


L's Rock Band

by reaperlight



Category: Death Note, Death Note: Another Note, Metalocalypse
Genre: Age Bump, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Animal Magnetism, Animals, Attempted Rape, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bath Houses, Blackmail, Blood, Brutal, Bulimia, Bullying, Censorship, Chains, Character Name In Title, Childhood Friends, Chocolate, Coats, Coffee Shops, Composite Character, Concerts, Confusion, Crack, Crack Pairing, Crossover, Cute, Demonic Possession, Demons, Dessert & Sweets, Detectives, Double Entendre, Drinking, Drinking & Talking, Drunkenness, Early Work, Early in Canon, Eating Disorders, Enemas, Excalibur, Faustian Bargain, Fights, Foe Yay, Foreign Language, Frak Buddies, Freudian Elements, Friendship, God Complex, Gore, Handcuffs, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Ho Yay, Homophobia, Hotel Sex, Hotels, Humiliation, Hybristophilia, Impulse Control, Internalized Homophobia, Interspecies, Jealousy, Leather Kink, Listening At The Door, M/M, Magical Artifacts, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, Mental Health Issues, Mistaken Identity, Multiple Pairings, Murder, Musicians, Not What It Looks Like, Obsessive Behaviour, Obsessive-Compulsive, Out of Character, Parody, Pets, Power Imbalance, Prostitution, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Rejection, Rival Relationship, Rivalry, Rock Stars, Russian Mafia, Serial Killers, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Room, Shinigami, Singing, Sloppy Makeouts, Smoking, Songfic, Swearing, The Matrix - Freeform, Took A Level In Dumbass, Unrequited Love, Unwanted Advances, Video & Computer Games, Violence, Voyeurism, Wammy House, Wammy's Era, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000, bad breakup, charmer - Freeform, demonic guitar, ditzy genii, get a room, metal, otaku, pink angel crepe van, the chosen one, villains out shopping, yardtigers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-10
Updated: 2012-07-28
Packaged: 2017-11-07 10:32:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/430088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reaperlight/pseuds/reaperlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the eve of the Kira case Watari insists L get himself a hobby. L begins assembling what is to become the Greatest Metal Band in the World. CRACK! Slight BL LxLight, MelloxMatt</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. DethHobbies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** _I do not own Death Note or Metalocalypse or anything else.  
>  AU, OOC-ness, Crack, and Boy's Love of course.  
> Age-bump. In this fic L is in his early 20s, the rest of the band members are all around 17-18._

L crouched on the floor in front of his laptop in his unfurnished room at Wammy's House, surrounded by dusty piles of paper and discarded candy wrappers as he finished drafting an e-mail in French for the French police. What he had written translated to "The butler did it." He clicked send.

L pulled up another file, another case.

Unnoticed by the Detective, Watari stood in the doorway, watching his ward with some concern. While it might look like business as usual to everyone else, Watari knew his ward to be very depressed. It was quite obvious that L had a crush on Naomi Misora, or at least the _idea_ of Misora (took him long enough). He had taken her rejection (and subsequent engagement to Raye Penber) rather hard...

Watari sighed, here L was finally showing interest in the outside world just to withdraw again… and now the way he was throwing himself into cases—while his productivity was astounding, at this rate he'd just burn out quicker. This was a mistake they made with the first generation. He and Roger made sure that the successors all had at least one hobby and were more balanced.

But with L showing interest in the outside world, however fleeting, perhaps it wasn't too late to correct this behavior after all... Meanwhile, the furious typing never ceased as L's spidery fingers flew across the keyboard.

"The wife murdered her husband," L typed in Russian. (Angry click, message sent, open next case.)

 _She didn't have to kick me. A simple 'no' would have sufficed._

"L..." Watari tried to think of a tactful way to broach the subject but when L kept ignoring him he decided on the direct approach. "All you ever do is solve cases."

L paused in his typing, looking confused. "But... that's what you trained me to do."

"It's not healthy," Watari insisted.

L turned back to his laptop. "Thank you for your concern."

"You need a hobby."

Glazed eyes didn't stray from the screen, "I'm fine, Watari."

Watari ignored him. "Maybe... your singing..."

L's bangs fell over his eyes in shame. No one was supposed to know about that! He only sang sometimes when he (on rare occasion) showered. Before L could protest Watari got out his cellphone and a few moments later snapped it shut. "You're booked for your debut at the Red Dragon Night club in London next week. You'll play a live show there," Watari said in a voice that brooked no room for argument.

"WHAT?" L sputtered. "Watari, this is insane! I—I don't sing! And there's security to consider and..."

"Yes, we can't have anyone guessing your true identity. So in order for you to relax and have fun..."

"That's not possible..."

"It has to be something so audacious, so outrageous no one would ever guess... Oh, I know! Maybe you could start a death metal band," the elderly gentleman mused aloud, recalling a recent high profile case of L's—the murderer had managed to kill and masquerade as the band's drummer because everyone in the band wore masks and makeup. L's mouth gaped open as he gave Watari his best "you've got to be kidding me" face.

"Who knows maybe you'll even meet someone special." Watari attempted to soothe his ward even as he was in the middle of a panic attack.

What was Watari thinking? Was he trying to hook him up with somebody just because of his momentary insanity during the L.A.B.B.? If that was the case then he shouldn't bother. It was past. L had decided that women and all the intricacies of their dating rituals weren't worth his time…

"Oh look, the Kira case!" L exclaimed loudly, trying desperately to change the subject.

Yes, this looked interesting. This might actually be a challenge… (And maybe if he was lucky Kira would kill him before Watari made him go through with this and he died of public humiliation.)

Of course Watari saw right through it, "Oh no you don't. Come hell or high water you're not missing your debut!"

 _Crap._

***

Well if Watari was going to force him to embark on a singing career, he wasn't going up on that stage alone. Others must share in this humiliation…

L paused by the rec room to see a couple of his successors (he believed they were called Mello and Matt) playing Rock Band. L watched for three seconds as Mello's fingers went up and down the fake bass controller and Matt banged on the drums before announcing "Congratulations, you've been drafted..."

"Piss off!" growled the blonde boy as he and Matt concentrated on playing their rendition of "Hammer Smashed Face" on Hard. Of course they didn't know it was L speaking to them. To them L was a name on the computer screen which occasionally addressed the school. They knew the skinny, messy-haired man before them to be Mr. Lyles their eccentric art teacher.

"Oh, but it's a special project from L himself..."

Mello immediately pulled the plug on their game much to Matt's displeasure.

L grinned, amused by their reaction.

"Okay, we're listening."

"Uh... It's for a case, an infiltration mission. Long story short L needs a rock band..."

Mello and Matt looked panicked. "You do realize that was a game. We don't play..."

"You'll figure it out—your genii, aren't you?"

L was pleased by the matching terrified looks on the genii's faces. Misery loves company.

"This order comes directly from L; you two are going to be in my band."

"B-but I don't have time for stuff like that!" Mello argued, "I have to study and keep my grades up, I..." He shouldn't have even been goofing off now...

"I'll make this assignment worth 200 school credits." L didn't realize that this was about to turn Wammy's upside down. He didn't really bother with the affairs of his successors other than in an abstract way (for one it was safer for them and him that way—one B was enough. Also he didn't like being reminded of the unlikely event of his death.) He didn't realize that with that many credits Mello could finally secure the number one spot in the successor game...

"When do we start!" Mello was suddenly very enthusiastic. Matt was as usual apathetic but if this helped Mello, of course he would support him.

"We debut in a week. Watari will get you your instruments. We'll begin practicing once we get settled in Japan as I solve the Kira case."

When L glanced over to see his shell-shocked successors he added as an afterthought "Oh right, since you two will be working with me I suppose I can tell you, I am L."

Matt supported the suddenly queasy Mello as he realized that they were talking to THE L—his idol and the Greatest Detective in the world—and earlier he had told L to "piss off."

***

As the trio packed for their trip, taking suitcases to the Roll's outside where Watari was waiting to take them to the airport, they came upon Near who was obnoxiously sitting in the middle of the walkway.

"You're missing something, aren't you?" Near stated.

L looked puzzled.

"For your band..." News traveled fast at Wammy's. Near had already heard.

"Uh..."

"Like a guitarist?"

"But it sounded complete when Mello and Matt were playing the game..." L thought aloud.

"That was the computer filling in the gaps," Matt exposited.

"Oh. Can't we just do that?"

"If you want the band to be lame, then yes," Near said as he dramatically removed his little toy guitar from the inside of his pajama top—it was all he could find on such short notice.

Mello tried to hide his rising panic. _No, Near can't join the band! That meant he'd be bumped back down to the number two spot again..._

Near began to play. It sounded very good… for being played on a toy guitar, and being what seemed to be a stylized rendition of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star."

"You need a guitarist, don't you?" Near stated again, oh-so-subtly.

"Near, it's a death metal band!" Mello exclaimed. "Your style is too kiddy."

L nodded. Mello was right. It sucked. This entire thing was embarrassing enough but he couldn't even _consider_ going anywhere near a stage with a guitarist that sounded like that...

"I'll consider it," L assured. "Come on Mello, Matt we're going to Japan, now."

As Near watched the retreating backs of the raven, the blonde, and the red-head as they proceeded down the hall and out the front doors of Wammy's House, Near gripped the neck of his toy guitar so hard the strings snapped.

***

_A long, long time ago in the Shinigami realm (which is far, far away…)_

Ryuk glanced around nervously as the horror known as Nu lead him into the audience chamber.

Why had he been called upon by the Shinigami King? Did he find out about that one time he kind of messed up his skull pile?

Ryuk barely managed to conceal his sigh in relief as the Shinigami King began talking. This didn't seem to be about that... **"There is an ancient prophecy,"** The King began, **"Through this Death Note shall their give rise to the Chosen Kira, I'm entrusting it to you, Ryuk..."**

Ryuk had relaxed once he realized he wasn't in trouble and had since turned his attention to the wonder of the King's palace, or more specifically the garden which could be seen from the palace window...

_**Are those apple trees?** _

**"RYUK!"**

**"Yeah, yeah I hear you! ...My Lord,"** Ryuk added hastily.

The King nodded his bony head and passed Ryuk the artifact. **"You will know when the time is right. Until then, _we wait..._ "**

Ryuk hastily strapped the Death Note to his person and began his retreat when the King called after him. **"Oh and Ryuk..."** The King pointed at Ryuk with a bony hand, **"Do not fail me."**

Ryuk trembled in fear.

_Eons pass… (But it didn't take that long for Ryuk to forget everything the King had said...)_

**"I'm bored out of freakin' my skull!"** Ryuk growled in frustration and demonstrated this by throwing the nearest object—which just so happened to be the artifact that the King entrusted to him. By the time he came to his senses he could only watch helplessly as it disappeared into the whirling pool of light...

 **"You screwed up big-time, didn't you?"** asked an antelope-headed Shinigami that watched Ryuk's little hissy fit.

**"Eh, Gukku, does that portal go to..."**

**"The human world? Yes."**

**"Ooh boy... No wait—time is right, meant to do that. Totally! Kukuku... shit."**

***

**Kanto, Japan. One week ago**

Where one very bored genius just happens to look out the window to see something large and black falling out of the sky and, oddly, nobody else seems to notice. But there it is—he can see it from the window.

An electric guitar fell from the sky.

Light Yagami glanced around his class, again looked out the window, then at his class again. Yes, nobody else seemed to notice, or care.

_WTF? Seriously, does no one else see that? A GUITAR just fell from the sky. There is a GUITAR sticking out of the ground!_

Light quickly asked the teacher to be excused, and with it being his too agog English teacher who would do anything for his favorite student ( _anything_ ), he readily agreed. Once outside, Light went out to the lawn to investigate. The guitar was embedded neck-first in the ground where it fell and was sticking up out of the lawn. It looked like it was stuck in there good but when Light gave it an experimental tug it easily slipped out into his grip. Light examined his prize. It was a black guitar with white skull-trim and stylized lettering written in English. The body had the words "Death Note" written on it. Along the neck in fine print it was written "The human who so picketh up this Death Note is the chosen Kira, Bringer of Death, Smiter of Evil, The Cleansing Fire..." the list went on. (It was very fine print.) Light eyed the instrument of murder skeptically. "You've got to be kidding me..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** _Alessandro Juliani (L's English voice actor) has a pretty singing voice: Gaeta's Lament, Battlestar Galactica (beautiful but sad)_ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NY3gY48pxjA &list=FLM2CFpnQLwo2DUJ6zebbNmA&index=33
> 
>  _And for a mood lightener, "Barbie Princess L"_ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXNpnel6CQY &feature=related


	2. DethGods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I own the blackest, most brutal of all things... absolutely NOTHING!
> 
> Warning: More OOC-ness, violence, and disturbing behavior.

**Kanto Japan, One week ago**

Light sighed from where he had flopped onto his bed. He glanced over to where his new guitar sat innocently in the corner. He wasn't quite sure what compelled him to take it home. He probably should have taken it to the Lost and Found or something, but then... it fell from the sky—it obviously didn't belong to anyone at school.

Maybe it fell out an airplane or something? Well the actual owner left his name on it—he just had to figure out whoever Kira was. A deluded idiot probably—it was just a guitar! Not some magical weapon of mass destruction. You'd have to be pretty retarded to believe that. Surely bleeding from the ears would be the worst it could do...

Light finally couldn't stand it anymore.

In the next moment he was sitting in his desk chair with the guitar in his lap. He experimentally strummed at the sixth string. It had a nice sound that reverberated throughout the room. He ran his fingers up and down the neck, instinctively playing a few chords. It was simple enough for a genius of his level; he had even toyed with the idea of having such a hobby when he was a kid...

But his music teacher, Ms. Kotoku, complained that his playing was too mechanical… Actually the words she used were "emotionless and dead."

Yeah, she was a real bitch.

It was pointless and childish anyway—just like tennis. So really in the long run she did him a favor. Light had learned to discipline himself to focus on doing only that which would further his goals.

It basically came down to whether something would A) Makes daddy proud so he could get to join the police, help people, and start solving cases sooner rather than "five to ten years from now" or B) Be a childish activity that actively hurt his chances of Goal A.

Light knew this definitely fell into the second category. He should have never even touched this guitar.

But it just felt right to hold it, to play it...

Light had never even played the guitar before. It was piano lessons that he toyed with as a kid.

It just came naturally, instinctively...

After running through all the chords (and recalling unwanted childhood memories of said music teacher—if only there was some way to just erase all the low points in his life, he could definitely use something like that...) he unconsciously tried to put a bit more soul into it. Meanwhile the TV continued to play at a low level in the corner. Something about some dildo holding school children hostage. Light wasn't sure why he continued to constantly watch the news, masochism maybe, because it ALWAYS pissed him off and left him depressed...

_This world is rotten._

_What's the point to anything? We're just going to die anyway._

As Light watched the news the random little tunes he was doodling with became louder and angrier—and by no means emotionless—the guitar screeched in rage. It sounded awesome if he did say so himself. Suck on that Ms. Kotoku!

There were more news stories, more criminals that got off.

 _If only there was some way to shock the world into behaving themselves..._

Light's pointless little tune began to take a definite shape, dark and reverberating. His playing was loud, but luckily sound didn't carry well outside his room. Light realized belatedly that the guitar didn't even come with an amp or any of the other necessary equipment. It just magically sounded right.

 _This isn't a normal guitar... it's an AMAZING guitar._

Light was past the point of caring, he didn't want to stop. He played and played and lost track of time. This felt amazing as he poured out all his energy into the music, blinking back the sweat that dripped down from his bangs into his eyes.

"Light! It's almost 6:30, you know. Don't you have cram school tonight?" His mother called from down the stairs.

With a jolt, Light came out of his trance panting and shivering.

"Yeah, I'm coming, I was just getting ready!" Light hollered back as he hastily grabbed his school bag and, without even really thinking about it, slung his guitar over his back.

That was quite a rush. He hadn't felt so _alive_ in a very long time.

"Death Note, huh? That settles it, I'm keeping you."

_Really having one hobby is completely harmless..._

(Unnoticed behind him, the news began announcing a series of unexplained heart attacks among the world's most hardened criminals.)

Light suddenly became aware that his hands were wet—his fingers were bleeding.

 _I need to invest in picks._

***

**One week later**

It was all the rage at school: "Light, haven't you heard? Criminals are dropping like flies lately!" and "Haven't you heard of him, you know? Kira?" and "I wonder who's going to be killed next!"

It has to be a coincidence; Kira was a fairly common name after all.

And when L or Lind L. Tailor or whoever that was announced he would find Kira in a worldwide broadcast, Light couldn't agree more; if this phenomenon was caused by a person, it had to be stopped. Whatever his intentions were, indiscriminate murder shouldn't be condoned. Besides, even if such a thing as a supernatural serial killer really existed (that was actually pretty metal), there was no way Light would let this "Kira" take back _his_ guitar.

***

 _"Another twenty three criminals died today of sudden heart attacks in a growing trend of deaths among the world's most hardened criminals… but who cares about those jackoffs? In other news, a family of tigers has gone missing from an East Tokyo zoo... aw aren't they cute..."_

Light sat at his desk, cackling madly as he lovingly stroked it with his now blistered and calloused fingers.

Outside the thunder cracked and Light suddenly became aware of another presence in his bedroom.

 **"You've taken quite a liking to it,"** chuckled the large demonic creature that was looming behind him.

Light startled, shrieked like a little girl, and fell out of his chair.

**"Kukukukuku. No reason to act surprised. I 'm Ryuk, the Rock and Roll Clown… you got any apples?"**

"Uh no..." Light sweat-dropped as the grinning, fanged thing leered much too close for comfort. "Uh… but I can pick some up?"

**"Kukuku-Cool!"**

Light gave the demonic thing that wouldn't look out of place in a Tim Burton movie an appraising look. "Seriously, you're a _clown?_ "

**"Eh, that's just a title. I'm a Shinigami. I love metal. That's about it."**

"A Shinigami? A God of Death, huh?" Light said as he rose to his feet without a trace of fear like an _absolute badass_ and looked the monster right in the eye. "That IS pretty metal."

 **"I must say I wasn't expecting this,"** he was expecting more cowering, groveling... **"Judging by your laughter you've already figured out that that's no ordinary guitar..."**

"Yeah, it's a _kicks ass_ guitar... and it's mine now, you hear? You can't have it."

The human looked ready to fight for it. Well this was interesting. **"Good, because the human who picks up that guitar becomes a God of Death Metal cursed to bring untold misery..."**

"Wait, you're saying I'm a God?" Light interrupted with typical selective hearing.

**"Well, yes, technically but..."**

"FREAKIN' A!"

The Shinigami gaped as Light threw open the screen to his balcony. He planted one foot on the railing and spread his arms wide as the wind dramatically swept through his hair. Light shouted at the top of his lungs _"HEAR ME WORLD! YOU ARE MINE! FOR I AM NO MAN! I AM A GOD! A F/RIFF/ING GOLDEN GOD!"_

The thunder roared as the sky was dramatically lit by lightning behind him.

Down on the street below some random pedestrian shouted _"SHUT UP YOU FAG!"_ before mysteriously getting hit by a truck.

The Shinigami gaped; well this would be entertaining at least.

Just then someone began pounding on Light's bedroom door.

"Onii-chan, are you alright in there?"

 _Oh shit, Sayu!_ Light panicked.

 _"DON'T COME IN I'M NOT DRESSED!"_ he hollered.

***

The Shinigami floated along behind the self-proclaimed God as he snuck out into the rainy night.

**"What the hell are we doing out here, anyway?"**

Light spared a glance to his unwanted companion. "Well, according to you, I'm an invincible God. There's only one way to test my newfound power."

The Shinigami gawked when he realized what Light had in mind. **"Are you stupid or something!"**

Light shot the Shinigami an absolutely stunning death glare. " _I_ am a genius."

Light continued to troll the streets until he came upon a scene in front of Nice Mart. It was exactly what he was looking for—a fight.

"LET ME GO! PLEASE!" Shrieked the girl as the scooter gang held her in place. Seriously they were going to gang rape right in the middle of the street?

"Hey you dildos!" The gangsters turned around to see a scrawny-looking kid with murder in his eyes glowering at them, his white coat blowing dramatically in the night wind. "She said no!"

The gangsters took one look at Light and burst out laughing. However in the confusion the girl managed to get away...

The gangsters turned their wrath on Light. "You're dead!"

As the gangsters charged him Light took them all on, swinging his guitar around like a battle-axe, and brought it down upon the heads of the would-be rapists.

 **"Daaaayum,"** The Death God was thoroughly disturbed at the sight of Light beating them to death with his guitar.

"What idiots! Don't they know? The middle of a fight is no time to fall asleep in some blood."

The Death God went all starry-eyed as he watched Light stepping over the broken corpses of the biker gang. Light looked lovingly at his guitar as the blood dripped down... "And the neck's still straight."

Light glanced over to the still-gaping Death God.

"Well Ryuk, want to get some apples now?"

**"I think... I love you."**

"Oh God no."

***

L moped in his hotel room very depressed and frustrated. (Meanwhile across the world in a Texas prison one Lind L. Tailor was set loose as per their agreement presumably to resume his career as a baby-eating cannibal.) Surely someone with an ego like Kira's couldn't possibly leave his challenge unanswered? Could it be that Kira really did not exist and that this was just a case of prisons feeding their inmates too much fried foods? How... disappointing. He had so hoped to find a challenge...

"Oh! Oh! Check it out! You won't believe this shit!" Mello shouted enthusiastically from his laptop. "L, Matt we got to go to Kabukicho! Look at this! Japanese sex clubs—dude, it's all legal!"

"Mells, you're a blonde white guy," Matt commented, not looking up from his drum tapping–he was practicing hard (tapping a stick in time was a lot harder than it looked.) "You won't even get in the door."

Then again getting the band together (and actually playing music) might prove even more of a challenge...

***

"Alright guys, once again from the top!"

Mello groaned as he picked up his bass again. He was number one now—he shouldn't have to work so much!

L clicked on the metronome and the boys began their run through again:

_"I'm A Weapon / Of Mass Destruction /_  
See Me Falling On My Way to Hell /  
I'm A Martyr / A Saint Of Sinners /  
And You Will Fear Me In My DETH /  
There's No One That Can Make Me / Repent The Things I've Done /  
Evil Is My Prime Objective / Flash of Light Bestow Your DETH /  
I'm A Weapon / Of Mass Destruction /  
Killed Millions / Rule the Planet /  
My Lawyer F/riff/ed Me / I Won't Get Pardoned /  
The Devil Waits With Fear In His Eyes!" 

As the song ended L announced again "That sounded pretty good—let's do it again."

The others groaned. They had lost count of how many sessions they had done.

"We still need a guitarist," Matt reminded everyone in the hopes of getting a break.

"How about Beyond?" Mello suggested.

L made a face. They had received the letter and demo tape from Beyond this morning. How the hell did he learn about L's band while he was rotting in a Los Angeles prison? In any case L wasn't about to let him join because 1) he was a serial killer 2) B was his obsessed stalker fanboy and 3) and most importantly, "He's not fast enough."

Matt's sweaty red bangs fell into his eyes. "Dude, no guitarist on the planet is fast enough! You need to slow it down!"

"My wrists are killing me!" Mello shook his hands in what Matt noted was an oddly effeminate gesture.

"No," L said stubbornly, "quit your whining! You guys just need to be faster."

"You know what would make me faster? A cigarette break! Oh and some booze!" Matt persuaded transparently.

"How will booze make you play faster?" L argued for sanity, "Alcohol is a depressant, not a stimulant."

"Don't argue, let's just find someplace with booze..."

"In Kabukicho!" Mello reminded everyone.

Matt rubbed his sweaty forehead in annoyance, "Fine, in Kabukicho..."

L sighed. First Kira refused to play and now they obviously wouldn't be getting any other work done...

L turned off the mike and unfolded himself from the top of the stool he was crouching on "Kabukicho it is then."

***

 **A/N:** _L's song is "Laser Cannon Deth Sentence" with a couple of words changed._

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZX62imOapU

_Also ripped off this bit from Almost Famous for Light's "this is your brain on evil" scene:_

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYz3E4MckSw


	3. DethPals

Light sat on a park bench idly running through swift chord progressions, Ryuk was intent on his bag of apples. Neither was really paying attention until Ryuk heard a snarling sound. He looked up and nearly choked on his apple.

 **"Uh… Light?"**

They were surrounded by hungry tigers.

Light ignored the Shinigami and kept running his fingers up and down the frets.

 _What to do now? This world is mine to remake as I see fit..._

Light continued to play without even trying... and reality realigned to his wishes.

The tigers closed in... and kneeled before him; lying down and cuddling at his feet like overgrown pussy cats.

Light smiled graciously.

_Yes, that's what was missing. Gods need followers. An audience... and someone that could keep up and challenge me… Otherwise this will get really boring really fast._

Light pondered sourly now that the post-power-high was wearing off. He was already the best at everything before he gained some measure of divinity...

 _It's just more of the same..._

As Light sat there brooding through the blackest and most brutal of thoughts the Shinigami cheerily crunched through the last of the apples. It wouldn't be long until he was whining at him again.

 _Dildos._

Light got to his feet, slinging the guitar over his back, and continued on his way, the Shinigami and the streak of tigers falling into step behind him.

***

The young man blinked groggily as he tried to reconnect with reality.

 _The park... why am I in the park?_

The blood dripped down into his eyes from where he sustained a massive blow to the head.

Everything was still fuzzy... Oh yeah, his glasses. They broke his glasses...

That's right he was jumped in an alley somewhere...

His muscles were screaming—he soon realized why. They had tied him to a tree. The boy tried to avoid panicking. After all this was hardly the first time this had happened to him, they'd grow tired of it eventually... but why the f/riff/ did they strip him naked?

"We'll teach you to f/riff/ with us!" growled one of his tormentors.

The man refused to give them any reaction, even as he realized exactly what they had in mind.

"Shit, someone's coming!" shouted another. His tormentors didn't get far. The guitar slammed into the back of one, crushed the throat of the other. They crumpled to the ground.

"Wowee!" The man said upon seeing his rescuer, a young man with gleaming red eyes. He radiated an aura of menace and raw power that crackled around his entire form. Light simply pointed and the chains snapped (His will be done) depositing the other man on the ground on his hands and knees, kneeling before the young God.

"Hey, you okay?"

"I'm... okay," he insisted. He'd survived much, much worse. That was pretty tame as beatings go.

Light gasped as he recognized the other boy. "Teru Mikami?"

Light never forgot about his childhood friend. The older boy protected him all throughout grade school before the bullies wised up to the fact that Light's daddy was the Chief of Police and giving the Nerdboy swirlies meant criminal charges and time in juvie. Teru was Light's best friend up till around sixth grade. But then Teru's mother died and he was shuffled off to some orphanage and Light never heard from him again...

The other boy dizzily shook his head trying to stay conscious. Light, who was quickly learning to harness his brutally awesome powers, laid his hands on the other and his weeping wounds closed, and Ryuk (after being promised more apples) helped find where the bullies had stashed Teru's clothes.

"Do you remember me?" Light asked.

Mikami could only stare stupidly in the face of his savior in awe and because, at the moment, not enough blood was reaching his brain... Mikami sucked in a breath as he watched the other boy, who was backlit by the holy glow of the streetlamp.

"You're _GOD!_ " Teru proclaimed. _God knows me! Am I… chosen?_

Light nodded. It wasn't the answer he was expecting but it pleased him greatly...

 _My... follower..._ A smug smile graced his lips. "That's right."

Teru groveled at Light's feet until Light decided to remind him of the little fact that he wasn't dressed.

Mortified, the other man rushed to dress himself.

 _He still has fine taste in clothes,_ Light noted as the other man donned that nice dress shirt and pants and that cool black trench coat like something right out of _The Matrix._

Now fully dressed Teru was about to resume the groveling position when he seemingly just noticed how they were flanked by tigers that silently observed everything with hungry eyes.

"D'awww, I like your little kitty friends!" Teru cooed enthusiastically at the tigers as he reached down to pet one. The tiger snarled and lashed out at him. Teru yelped and hid behind Light.

"Bad kitty," Light scolded the tiger flattened it's ears in contrition and skulked away.

Meanwhile Teru gave another startled cry. While he was cowering he accidentally touched Light's guitar so he could now see Ryuk.

Light sighed. "Chill, it's just a Shinigami. He follows me everywhere. It's best to just ignore hi—"

"That is like, so cool!" Teru exclaimed.

"Huh?"

"He's like a special pal who's with you every day!" Mikami said excitedly.

Light shuddered.

But as Light's new follower took a shine to his creepy clown-demon an idea came to mind...

"Teru Mikami, will you join me?"

"You want me to... Wowee!" Teru swooned. "I mean, of course my Lord!" Teru agreed without hesitation. Mikami knew right now, he would do anything, absolutely ANYTHING, for the other man.

Light turned to the forgotten Shinigami who was whimpering and turning into a floating pretzel.

 **"Kyakyakya... Apples..."** he moaned.

"Say Ryuk, got any more Death Notes?"

**"Uh, no... just the one... ku-ku-ku-c'mon, PLEASE give me an apple?"**

"Hmm..."

Light played his guitar and conjured up another one out of thin air. This one was almost solid black with just a few white squiggly glyphs decorating the body.

"How'd you do that?" Mikami's voice broke with absolute reverence.

His God shrugged. "No clue... Here you go, Teru," Light handed him the guitar. "Now you can back me up."

Teru was so nervous his knees gave out. "Yes God!" He didn't play but he would learn if that was what his God commanded.

 **"If you can do THAT you can make me some apples!"** Ryuk growled sullenly.

"Say Ryuk," Light asked, ignoring Ryuk's request "Is it possible for a Shinigami to possess two people at once?"

**"Kukuku Yeah, baby! But... it'll be a pain though... hmmm but you know what would make it worth my while?"**

"What?"

 **"MORE APPLES!"** Ryuk roared.

"I just got you apples!" Light said exasperated.

 **"Well I'm sure I can think of something else..."** the monster leered suggestively.

"Fine... I'll get you more apples. Just... follow Teru for now."

Ryuk looked disappointed. **"Fine!"** The Shinigami huffed.

"There, now Ryuk can follow you."

"YAY! Thanks Light-sama!" Mikami whooped with joy and hugged the shivering monster. "You're the best!"

 **"Apples?"** Ryuk whimpered pathetically.

"Sure buddy! Whatever you want!"

Ryuk's fangy grin widened.

Light resumed his march to nowhere in particular. Mikami swiftly fell in step behind his God and nearly tripped on one of the bodies that littered the ground. He hadn't really noticed them before.

"Wow-wee! Are they dead?"

Light shrugged when he saw more guys he made "go-sleeps-in-blood." "Who cares? They're dildos. It's Justice, Teru."

"Yes, God!"

Of course, Light had no problem with that name, though when he noticed the odd looks they were getting by people passing by from Teru calling him that (the tigers... the BODIES... they didn't seem to notice)... perhaps the world was not yet ready to know him.

"Er... let's stick with 'Light,' okay?"

"Yes Light-sama!"

***

Meanwhile in Kabukicho Mello ran about the streets, his eyes lighting up at the lewd neon signs like L in a candy store. L and Matt trailed along behind him. L was far more interested in the crepe-selling street vendors than whatever these stores had to offer... and Matt was becoming increasingly worried that Mello, in his tight leather outfit, might get mistaken for a hooker.

"Oh oh oh! I am gonna get so wasted and I'm going to screw every slut I come across and I am I am... totally gonna buy THAT!" Mello declared as he stopped at a storefront showcasing edible erotica, the window dressing displayed a deal on installation of a giant chocolate swimming pool."Ryuuzaki," Mello whined L's newest alias "Can we get that installed at our new headquarters, _please?_ "

Matt gaped at the price.

"Seriously?" Matt pushed his goggles up into his red hair so he could properly glare disapprovingly at his chocoholic friend.

"I'll get it on credit and then pay it back after we get famous!" Mello argued.

"Think of the interest rates!"

"Yeah, totally," L agreed. "it's better to just buy it now."

"Wait, what? You're enabling..." Matt began but then turned to see that L, too, was drooling at the display. He really should've seen that coming.

"F/riff/ING AWESOME! Good work, Mello!"

Matt face-palmed. "Guys... Getting dentures before you turn thirty because your teeth have all rotted out is totally _not metal._ "

As soon as Matt had said that L swiftly whipped out a recording device from his jeans pocket and clicked it on. "Idea for song: 'Rotted Metal Teeth'."

Matt gaped at L. "I get residuals for that, right?"

And so L called up Watari and after a long argument laced with the occasional death threat Watari agreed to have a chocolate swimming pool installed at Headquarters.

Matt overheard Watari's exasperated "For the record I tried" before L flipped his phone closed and went off to buy a strawberry crepe from the street vendor.

Meanwhile Mello was chatting with a very attracting individual of ambiguous gender who lured him eagerly into a seedy-looking establishment.

"Uh, Mello..." Matt began but it was too late, Mello had already slipped inside failing to actually read the sign.

L returned with his crepe and asked "Where's Mello?" before taking a big bite, the strawberry filling dripped messily on his white sweater, resembling blood.

Matt sighed and pointed at the sign written in kanji that read "Enema Club."

***

_The worst of killers you do track /_

_Target painted on your back /_

_You're gonna die young /_

_You might as well have fun /_

_If a Shinigami doesn't kill you in your sleep_

_Your fate awaits you with rotted metal teeth!_


	4. ConfusionNote

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** _I do not own Death Note or Metalocalypse._
> 
>  
> 
> _Warnings: There are a couple of comments here that might offend some people. They are meant to be satircal and not to be taken seriously. That is all._
> 
>  
> 
> _(For instance characters say "that's gay" a couple of times. I have nothing against gays otherwise I wouldn't write slash. It's in there because 1) This fic is based off Metalocalypse and 2) our genii are teenage boys who haven't figured it out yet.)_

The young God and his follower stopped at a cybercafé, their train of tigers stood guard outside. Mikami quietly ran his fingers over the frets as he kept practicing. He was learning at an inhuman pace (but it still wasn't good enough! He had to be perfect for his God!) He frequently glanced over to watch his God's back as he leaned over the keyboard doing something divine and mystical he was sure that he, as a mere mortal, surely couldn't hope to comprehend let alone know about.

Light sighed wistfully.

Mikami finally couldn't stand it anymore and needed to stalk, _er,_ see what his Lord was doing.

"What's the matter, Light-sama?"

At Mikami's approach Light hastily closed the windows displaying porn (he never could seem to find anything that interested him anyway.) But Mikami did see the ones displaying how to get into the music business and various social networking sites.

"I'm just... looking for a rival to challenge me," Light explained quickly, defensively.

Mikami blinked in confusion. "A... rival?"

"Yes."

"Wha—?" Mikami was confused. Why would Light want someone trying to catch him? "But... but my Lord, I thought you don't like it when people defy you."

"I don't, but... to defy a God, to defy _me,_ that takes balls; you know what I'm saying?"

"I—I... think so..."

"To be a God unopposed... That gets rather lonely and boring."

At Mikami's blank look it was obvious that he didn't understand so Light tried to explain in a different way, he pulled out his copy of the latest issue of _Shonen Jump_ he had stashed in a hidden compartment of his bookbag. "See? The hero always has a rival to challenge him so he gets better."

"O-Oooh! Like Ryu and Ken?" Teru said remembering their earlier stop at the arcade (thanks to Ryuk's insistent pestering) where the terrible trio had taken a break to play _Streetfighter_ and _Dance-Dance Revolution._

"Yeah, exactly like Ryu and Ken. I've always been the best. I want someone who can match me, someone to play against..."

"But you're already the best..."

"But there's always room for improvement, right? We must be better than best! We'll redefine best! We'll be the greatest and most brutal of all!"

"Yes, Light-sama!" Teru cheered whole-heartedly, caught up in the other's enthusiasm even as Light ignored him in favor of letting his wishes be known...

"So you see; in order to do this I need a rival. Someone to push me to my limit and show me what I'm truly capable of! He'll be smart like me... He will challenge me and he will be infuriating but that's what's needed for personal growth, or so I hear. Also he'll be really unique and exotic looking with long dark hair and pretty eyes and..."

Mikami sweat-dropped "Are you sure you're looking for a rival?" He dared ask.

"Are you suggesting something, Teru?"

"No, no my lord!" Teru said quickly upon seeing the menacing glint in Light's eyes. "Just..." Inspiration struck."Say... I could be your rival!"

"What? You'd dare!"

Mikami cowered. "Of course! Whatever you want, my Lord!"

Light sighed. "See, Teru you're just not good rival material."

Teru moped.

***

 _"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"_ L's shout reverberated throughout the public bathhouse. He had _sneezed,_ resulting in a tragic domino effect of him facefisting himself with his pink swirl lollipop stuck in his hair.

"Huh, someone must be talking about you," Matt joked.

"Then he'll pay for this!" L growled as he painfully pulled against his lollipop that was now lodged against his scalp in the tangle of his hair.

Meanwhile the sounds of choked sobbing continuously pierced through the shower walls.

Matt sighed as he leaned against the tile wall, his arms folded across his chest. Upon entry he had turned off his bright pink handheld, wrapped it in plastic, and stowed it away into the safety of his jean's pocket. He feared the steam in here would wreck it (it was limited edition, after all, with few left in existence... he had bought it exclusively to match his favorite pink striped shirt) but that left Matt with nothing to preoccupy himself with and thus becoming increasingly bored... "He's taking forever," Matt groaned as he reached into the deep inner pocket of his beige fur-lined vest and retrieved an unopened can of Sopporo. While L was preoccupied with his candy problem Matt idly popped it open and took a swig.

Meanwhile, after much straining, L finally freed his sticky treat from the black nest of his hair. He paused slightly as if in consideration before he resumed licking it. "Huh, maybe we should go in and check on him," L added as an afterthought.

"You know, this is dangerously close to giving a crap."

"You're right. That's totally not metal."

"Because _ADMITTING SADNESS MAKES YOU GAY!_ " Matt announced in a sing-song voice.

"Oh, most definitely," L agreed emphatically around his bright pink lollipop.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Mello shouted back, much too loudly, from the other side of the wall as he recovered from his recent trauma. Mello had learned his lesson about hookers at least for the minute, or at least the consequences of looking like one.

Mello had become aware of the situation only after he was naked and chained to that luxurious bed. He had asked the individual he was with about payment and the "chick" tossed him a wad of bills. Only then did it become apparent that "she" was a "he" and apparently thought he was a "dirty whore." Though before anything could advance too far an enraged Matt (ironically screaming "GET THE F/RIFF/ OFF HIM YA DOUCHEBAG!") had come to his rescue nearly choking the John to death with a drumstick while L had been preoccupied shimming open Mello's handcuffs.

However, said rescue didn't come before Mello discovered he enjoyed the Enema Club's namesake—thus his current crisis which left him screaming overly-emphatic assertions of heterosexuality, peppered with the occasional sob of...

"I'm fat..." Mello moaned.

Matt massaged his forehead. It was just one of the parting shots, the litany of insults the androgynous John shouted before Matt beat him unconscious: "Dirty whore! Fat, stupid gaijin!" But regardless of how detached from reality that statement was the "fat" one was obviously the insult that stuck as Mello had looked absolutely stricken. Matt wondered if he could still sue the bastard, despite nearly having beaten him to death, if he caused Mello to relapse into bulimia again.

"Shoulda killed him," the red-headed teen stewed with rage as he considered how Hentai McRapist dared to touch his Mello and... Matt nearly choked on his can of Sapporo. _Wait, what?_

"I'm glad you didn't. I'm L remember? I'd be obligated to arrest you for homicide," L said as he turned out his baggy jeans pockets (displacing several candy wrappers in the process) to reveal a pair of shiny new handcuffs. "And then I'd have to keep you handcuffed to me for the rest of our tour."

"Ewwwww," Matt said, horrified. "Being handcuffed to another man is most _TOTALLY GAY._ "

"SHUT THE F/RIFF/ UP!" Mello shouted over the din of the shower. "YOU... YOUR MOM'S THE GAY ONE!"

L rolled his eyes. "Oh yes, genius-level comeback. I'm so glad you two have had the benefit of a Wammy's education."

Just then Mello emerged from the shower, his towel wrapped tightly around his thin hips.

"I'm not gay... I'm not..." Mello grumbled lowly between muttering obscenities.

For some reason Matt became fascinated with how the water dripped down Mello's lithe, bare chest. Matt swallowed hard but smiled reassuringly at his best bud. Mello yelped and nearly lost the towel when Matt ran over and hugged him (in a totally non-gay way, totally...) "It's alright Mello. We're still cool even if you are gay."

Mello glowered as he announced "I assure you all, I'm not gay... Jesus, Matt! Don't touch me." Mello shoved him away, brushing past him without a second glance. A dark look passed over Matt as the blonde ignored them and went off to get dressed in his tight leather pants (he would NOT change his wardrobe on account of any perv.)

"I need a drink," Matt declared sullenly.

"You're holding a drink," L mumbled in a guttural and barely coherent way around his lollipop.

"I need a stronger drink," Matt argued. "Weren't we planning on going to Note Blue?"

"I'm sure after all that Mello wants to just go back to the hotel..."

"No way!" Mello roared as he strutted back in, now fully dressed in his form-fitting leather, his blue eyes piercing with signature rage and determination. "Tonight I am gonna find a girl and I AM GONNA GET LAID!"

"Hmm... that may take a while," L murmured under his breath.

"We want to be back sometime this century, Mells—Ow!" Matt reeled from Mello punching him in the gut.

***  
Matt irritably tapped on the counter in time to the fast and pulsing beat of the background music (surprisingly the music here was pretty good) trying to ignore Mello as he flirted with whatever girl he had cornered into talking to him—Matt thought her name was Kiyomi something-or-other—his disgust evident on his face.

L ignored them both in favor of continued aggressive negotiations with the staff that yet more sugar be added to his amazake and no, he would not sit normally on the bar stools no matter what the policy was; thank you very much. In the end L just waved a wad of bills around and claimed the V.I.P. couch for himself and Matt. Matt continued to watch as Mello got friendly with Kiyomi-skank and somehow his new can of Sopporo became crushed in his hand. He was puzzled by his own reactions. Why should it bother him what Mello did? It was his business. Well, Matt supposed it was just embarrassing to watch his best friend humiliate himself like this...

"Oh yeah," Mello returned to their couch to brag. "She's totally digging me."

"She stole your wallet," Matt observed.

"What?" Mello exclaimed and quickly confirmed it. "The BITCH!"

"And now she's gone," Matt said as he scanned the sea of shifting bodies of the crowd but Kiyomi What's-Her-Face was nowhere to be found.

"Aw... shit."

"I freakin' told you she was trouble."

"Shut up, Matt!" Mello shouted, but despaired that his friend was right. When the beleaguered bartender returned Mello ordered the hard stuff. After several more unsuccessful tries Mello slumped into the couch, landing with his head in Matt's lap resisting all attempts to get him to move and causing Matt much discomfort as Mello, a fist full of whisky in hand, began to loudly launch into a diatribe about how women were all "f/riff/ing hell-spawned soul-murderers." (Naturally, this did nothing to improve his odds.) Matt was at his wits end as he was trapped in his seat by his depressed, drunken friend. "And I'm fat..." Mello slurred.

"Oh god, Mells! Have you looked in a mirror lately? You're not fat! You're bulimic!"

"Shut up!"

Meanwhile L had finally persuaded the barkeep to just leave the sugar bowl next to him as he got a refill on his drink... though his attention had become focused on the spotlight lit stage...

"Be gentle, it's their first time!" Boomed the announcer, "Presenting the Brothers of Deception!"

**Earlier**

No one had bothered them, as Light and Teru with their respective white and black trenchcoats swishing dramatically behind them, strode right up to the door of the nightclub flanked by a Death God and a streak of tigers that obediently waited for them at the entrance. The Shinigami floated in after them unnoticed. Light had just smiled and batted his eyelashes and just like that they were booked for the night.

Backstage as they were getting ready Light asked casually "So Teru, have you ever played guitar before?"

"Er... no, my Lord."

"That's cool. I haven't either. Don't worry, we'll blow them away. Just follow my lead."

Light's confidence was infectious. "Yes God!"

**Now**

L shifted slightly leaning forward in his signature crouch like a bloodhound that had just caught the scent...

"Hey, guys?" L addressed the irritated-looking Matt and a catatonic Mello. "Cheer up. I think we're one step closer to finding Kira."

Matt perked up from where he sat slumped on their sofa, holding his drooling friend. "Huh, what makes you say that?"

L pointed out the brown-haired guy onstage with KIRA and DEATH NOTE scrawled on his guitar in large white gothic letters. "Call it a hunch..."


	5. FightNote

When the lights hit the stage displaying the brunette and his companion L was so caught up in his staring that the sugar overflowed his cup onto the table... well, more than usual. Much to the detective's immediate distaste "pretty" was the first thing he thought upon seeing the brunette guitarist. No, not just "pretty;" but brain-breakingly beautiful. And those eyes! They were so expressive (really with eyes like that he couldn't hope to hide his guilt to anyone who cared to look) and somewhere between brown or gold or red depending on how the light caught them—hinting that this was something beautiful and monstrous… Well of course, he was looking at Kira, right? As the brunette gracefully took center-stage L dared hope that it was a girl with shorter hair. (After all Kira was a girl's name, right?)

No. L couldn't delude his finely honed detective skills. Even before the teen opened his mouth and addressed the audience in that silky, commanding voice, L knew it WAS a guy. (Dammit). Just by the way the auburn-haired teen carried himself; like he expected the world to wait on his command. That confidence, too, was very attractive though. L wondered where it came from. What did pretty boy do to make him think he earned it? (The teen was pretty, prettier than most girls… did he _condition_ his hair?)

L unconsciously licked his suddenly dry lips as he watched the young man working up a sweat, pouring out all his energy into shredding, watching those fingers, long and delicate but strong as they raced up and down the neck of the guitar—he was _fast_ and _very good_ with his hands.

To L's annoyance confirming it was a guy did nothing to discourage the idea of "I'd hit that," though that would be, by definition, gay. L continued to openly stare, ignoring Mello and Matt's questions (i.e. "OMG, Kira?" and "What are we going to do?" and "Hey, L are you listening?") Kira was right at home onstage; he just oozed natural charisma, making up for any insecurities with epic, overly-dramatic hand gestures (like really gay overly-dramatic hand gestures). L decided that meant his current... attraction was totally pretty boy's fault (therefore he must face the consequences).

As for the music itself, Kira took the lead in shredding and his companion (who L wasn't as interested in) was more subdued but provided a steadfast rhythm that easily complimented the younger's sound. Together it was dark, it was heavy, it was brutal...

Well the playing was, the cringe-worthy comedy routine not-so-much:

"You know I was thinking of killing myself," said the dark-haired guy in the glasses.

"That's funny, I was thinking of killing you too," Kira replied sounding a little too serious.

"So, how do you like that...?"

Then the pretty boy proceeded to laugh maniacally at their own joke before performing yet another wicked fast shredding...

"Get off the stage you posers!" someone in the crowd shouted before spontaneously tripping on an electrical cord, breaking his skull open and electrocuting himself in his own blood (hmmm... "Bloodrucuted"?)

 _That's highly suspicious. Not to mention brutal... Exactly. What could possibly be more brutal then forcing Kira to work for me?_

L was perfectly capable of multitasking—he'd put an end to the Kira case, have his guitarist, and maybe even solve that other thing Watari was nagging at him about. He could have his cake and eat it too. He'd have Kira and...

L noted that getting booed-off stage had done nothing to affect the boy's arrogant demeanor as he strutted towards the door, his companion following doggedly behind him.

"El...er... Ryuuzaki, what are you doing?" Mello slurred as L unfolded himself from his crouch, and strode forward a determined look in his eye...

***

Mikami was depressed about their less than warm reception following their comedy routine. Honestly, Light was too but if his cram school and its insane amount of boring busy work had taught him anything it was when the going gets tough _keep going_ no matter what...

"Don't worry, Teru. We shall overcome this. It seems these philistines are just not yet ready for our artistic vision."

"Yes, God," Teru's faith was absolutely unshakeable.

"However... there is room for improvement. Teru, your sixty fourth notes are too slow. It sounds dildos. That's unacceptable."

"I'm sorry, my Lord! I'll do better, I promise!" Mikami began groveling and apologizing profusely but Light was no longer there. It seemed he had been suddenly tackled from behind by a crazed Wildman who snapped him in handcuffs at lightning speed.

"What the hell is this?" Light demanded in a dangerous tone. That his eyes gleamed a malevolent shade of red went unseen as his attacker currently had his face pressed into the floor.

"God!" Mikami was about ready to rush to his defense when Mello blocked his path, a pistol in hand, and trained at Mikami's head.

Matt sweat-dropped, "Mello, where did you get a gun?"

"In my spare pants, bitch!" the blonde boisterously announced to the room.

"No, it's alright Teru. I'll handle this," Light said levelly to his devoted fanboy. L marveled that the boy sounded just as calm and commanding despite the fact that L had just curbstomped him and was currently in the process of making him his bitch. "I'm in a gracious mood tonight," Light continued. "I'll give you three seconds to get your hands off my person before I smash your skull open."

 _Awesome... Idea for song "I Smash Your Skull Open."_

"One..."

Matt gaped as he watched how his mentor pinned the alleged Kira who was a teenage boy not much older than him to the ground so he was squirming beneath him and... Matt blushed and decided that this was hardly appropriate behavior and tried to intervene.

"I'm sorry, sir. He's just socially retarded like that," says the red-headed guy in the goggles "we best get going," Matt tugged on L's white sweater but L refused to budge.

 _Sir?!_ Well Light supposed it was respect due to him in his station as a God but still... he was only seventeen.

"C'mon Ryuuzaki!" Matt hissed.

A grin spread across L's face. "No. I don't think so. I'm quite comfortable here, thank you very much."

 _This mortal dares to challenge me? Is he stupid or does he have a death wish?_

Light gritted his teeth and spat out "Two!" they were apparently very long seconds. As this strange man kept him pinned down Light could feel his hot breath on the back of his neck and weirdly that felt kind of nice...

"Seriously, Ryuuzaki that looks gay," Matt hissed.

"Matt, SHUT THE F/RIFF/ UP!" the blonde with the gun roared.

L and Light ignored them.

"You're Kira," L stated.

"No. I'm not Kira! I'm Light Yagami. And this is dildos! Get the f/riff/ off me!"

L smirked. "No."

"Uh... If he is Kira he can kill us at any time. You do know that, right?" Matt again pleaded for sanity and was again ignored.

Meanwhile since the musicians had left the stage the DJ turned the playlist back on...

_~*DUN! *~_

~*DUN DUN DUN! *~

Mello started giggling...

_~*DUN DUN DUUUN! *~_

Matt soon realized why. "Wait... _Rocky_? Seriously? Who chose this playlist?"

"Three! " Light's massive ego had finally been wounded enough that he felt the need to redeem himself and in a sibilant motion Light threw the detective off his back giving him a smashing elbow to the gut as a parting gift.

_~*Rising up, back on the street / Did my time, took my chances / Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet / Just a man and his will to survive *~_

Yet for some reason Light couldn't fathom he had held back from utterly destroying him as promised. Well naturally, Light decided, he was a gracious God... Light got to his feet, wearing an obvious smirk as the other shivered in terror before him...

_~* So many times it happens too fast / You change your passion for glory*~_

But as Light approached to gloat over his downed opponent... _No wait he's not cowering in terror he's crouching in preparation to... oh sh-_

L retaliated by kicking Light across the room; apparently forgetting he had just handcuffed them together. A glass table broke their fall. Miraculously uninjured, both got on their hands and knees, glared at each other for a moment before they resumed pounding on each other—hitting, kicking, scratching, biting. It was utterly ruthless. Losing was never an option for either of them.

_~*Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past / You must fight just to keep them alive *~_

Mello, Matt, and Mikami marveled as they watched their respective idols going at it. Light would throw a punch, L would execute a spin kick and as they fought their movements became synchronized like they were able to guess each other's movements before they happened... but didn't care in favor of letting the other land hits so they'd be in a better position to retaliate... or maybe because it was just a perfectly manly excuse to touch the other. Matt blushed as he realized... it's not every day you see a "fight" where it looks like the combatants are trying to rip each other's shirts off and somehow in the tussle L's baggy pants got pulled partway down...

_~* It's the eye of the tiger / It's the thrill of the fight / Rising up to the challenge of our rival*~_

Meanwhile quite a crowd had gathered to watch them fight, cheering from the sidelines, taking bets on who would win and offered inane commentary: "Woah man, talk about total opposites!" "I like the one on the right.""Seriously, the crack addict? You're so weird Kyoko!" "But the other guys a total poser prep type!"

Matt and Mello snickered at this and Mikami looked distressed. But Light and L ignored everyone as they continued to fight, lost in a world of their own...

Matt sensing they were about to get serious about... f/riff/ing each other up (or maybe just f/riff/ing each other and he REALLY didn't want to see that) so he dared to intervene. He grabbed an expensive bottle of champagne and sprayed the fizzly all over both of them. Light and L finally stopped attacking each other, yelped and broke apart. They both stood there, drenched, flushed, flustered, and heaving for breath, and shooting Matt the interloper outright murderous glares. Matt sweatdropped, he knew that that wasn't a good idea but...

Matt quickly worked to deflect the attention off of him. "Guys, seriously! Get a room!"

"Matt, please, quit with the gay jokes!" Mello pleaded still sensitive after the incident.

"We already have one, remember?" L rumbled angrily, never taking his eyes off of Light. Matt shared a look with Mello. They had never seen L display so much emotion before. It was unsettling.

"You know the one you and I and Mello share," L elaborated.

"Don't say it like that! It sounds..." "That's not the issue!" Mello and Matt sputtered. Watari really wasn't kidding when he said L had trouble with this interpersonal relations stuff.

_~* And the last known survivor / Stalks his prey in the night*~_

Light and L continued to glare at each other appraisingly. Light looked long and hard at the man who had dared to so bother him—he was so unconventional. He made absolutely no effort to look good for the people around him as Light had done all his life, well up till recently. Now he had discovered he was a God, he was im-f/riff/ing-mortal and could do whatever the f/riff/ he wanted but still...

Light wasn't quite sure whether he resented this Ryuuzaki for doing so... or envied him for it—for having the courage to so spit in the face of social norms.

What was even more annoying was the other man still looked pretty good despite not even making an effort; what with how his dark locks, now drenched with drink, cascading down over his pale skin. The other man had an odd natural beauty and grace about him that Light couldn't help but admire.

And those eyes, Light had never seen eyes so dark before, and they were always staring-like he could see into his very soul. Light swallowed against his suddenly dry throat as Ryuuzaki slowly advanced towards him. Light held his ground, refusing to back down so that the other man just stopped short of being on him, their noses nearly touching.

_~* ...And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger!*~_

"Well, would Kira-kun like to get a room?" Ryuuzaki's breath ghosted across his face. It was hotter than before.

"F/riff/ you!" Light snarled.

"That's the idea. Well, would you?" L kept his expression bland but managed the pleading "puppy dog eyes" look just fine. Light was thrown by this. What the hell was up with this guy? One minute he was accusing him of being a vile mass murderer and the next he was asking him out?

 _This guy!_

Light clenched his teeth and glowered at the other man, it was taking all of his self-control to refrain from punching this asshole in the face again.

 _I've never been so humiliated in my life! This guy, he's INFURIATING! He..._ Light's eyes widened in realization, _It's you! You're the one I've been looking for! My... rival. I've found you!_

"...Yes," Light gave his answer, his voice becoming breathy and enthusiastic.

Behind them Mello and Matt wore matching looks of shock and horror while Mikami looked absolutely crestfallen...

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here's some theme music for this chappy:  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNMir6nI5Oc


	6. CompleteNote

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** _I do not own Death Note or Dethklok / Metalocalypse because I am poor and I want to keep my money…_
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktEFOpny0S0

L smirked as his fingers traced along the jaw-line of the suddenly docile Kira's chin.

"Good, that makes things much easier if Kira cooperates."

Light balked at that. L pouted as the other slapped his fingers away. "I'm not Kira! I told you, my name is Light!"

"If you're not Kira than why do you have Kira written on you guitar?" L declared in an 'Ahah! I got you!' tone of voice "With such memorabilia you are obviously either Kira or Kira's devoted fanboy..."

Light made a disgusted noise. "Like hell! I don't support Kira!"

"You don't?" Mikami asked in obvious confusion.

"Of course not! It's not right that some dildo is out there murdering people!"

 _Naturally, it's only just when God does it!_ Mikami intuitively understood his Lord's reasoning and nodded his approval.

"Then why...?" L pointed rudely at the guitar, Light swiped it away.

"The guitar just came that way! It was like that long before this Kira thing ever started so I don't think there's any connection..."

"Wait, how long have you had that guitar?"

"About a week... why?" Light snapped defensively.

 _The timeline matches up and..._ "Wait, you've only played guitar for a week?" L would have never have guessed it with the way he was expertly shredding onstage.

"That's right," the younger man snarled defiantly. "Gonna make something of it?"

"You're a natural at it," L said soothingly.

Light thought so too. But for some reason he still blushed at the older man's praise. "Thank you."

"I can't help but notice you have fast hands," L said smoothly.

"Oh man, who falls for such a lame pick up line..." Mello began.

"This Yagami kid apparently," Matt stated as he watched his mentor wooing the blushing-like-a-schoolgirl Kira. He wasn't imagining this right? L was indeed coming onto another guy? No. He just couldn't be serious... Matt needed heavier goggles.

"My band is looking for a guitarist. Won't you join me, Light-kun?"

"Of course," Light answered resolutely eyes shining with enthusiasm, determination, and some other emotion that Light hardly ever experienced so didn't readily identify or have a name for.

"God!" Mikami wailed in despair. Was his God being seduced to the dark side? Mikami didn't know what he'd do without his God. He would be utterly lost. He might as well kill himself right now...

"But only if Mikami can join too," Light added as an afterthought. He wasn't about to shut out his one true friend like that. L frowned. It was the auburn-haired teen he was drawn to, he had no use for a third wheel. "Don't you know you have a lead guitar and a rhythm guitar," Light persuaded.

L sighed. It appeared it would be non-negotiable. "Sure, whatever."

Mikami fell to his knees before them. "God, thank you. Thank you!"

"Yeah..." L quickly returned his attentions to the brunette he had captured. "Oh and one more thing... uh... until this whole Kira thing is settled one way or the other I think I'd better keep you handcuffed to me at all times. You know, just as a precaution..."

"Sure, sounds good to me!"

The others looked apprehensive as L snapped on the handcuffs binding him to the brunette guitarist.

"Gay," Matt whispered audibly. Matt, Mello, and Mikami all wore looks that seemed somewhere in between irritated and homicidal...

"YOU DICKS GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" L roared.

"No," They all answered swiftly, exchanging nervous glances. As far as Mello could tell L had one rule for his successors to follow. Don't get in between L and his candy. That obviously included man-candy. Seeing L get angry wasn't something they had ever seen before (except for that one time Mello had got between L and his chocolate stash... that hadn't been pretty) nor ever wished to see again...

"Uhh... now that we've got the band together why don't we see how it goes together you know like... uh..."

"Uh... like a practice run?"

"Yeah!"

Light and L smiled at each other having had the sudden epiphany that they were both musical genii on the same wavelength and that this was the beginning of a beautiful relationship...

"What, here?" Mikami asked somewhat apprehensively. Really, in front of the same crowd that booed them offstage?

"Guys, hate to break up your lovefest but we don't have..." Mello turned gesturing towards the stage... "...instruments!"...where a matching black and white bass and drumset that vaguely resembled the Kiras' guitars were there waiting for them.

"How the hell did that happen?" Matt exclaimed.

Light shrugged and retrieved his Death Note from his back and began shredding as he and L made something up on the spot. Altogether Light and Teru's wicked shredding fit seamlessly with Mello's angry strumming and Matt's pounding in perfect tempo. More than slightly drunk himself, L took up the microphone on center-stage, not bothering to first remove the hard candies from his mouth. Mello and Matt winced as L began singing in a guttural incomprehensible way:

_Foolish mortals, sinners quake / In fear, flailing /_

Furies besets upon them / Justice and retribution without failing! /

But it turned out that L's new vocal method was absolutely perfect for the death metal sound they were trying to create. It all came together for them onstage as one totally awesome and brutal sound. Like in their earlier fight Light and L seemed to be in perfect sync, able to read and predict the other's moves and where the other was going musically. It was uncanny how seamlessly they played together, they complimented each other—they completed each other.

L's dark eyes rolled up to the stare at the nightclub's mirrored ceiling, catching their reflections as they played. A mirrored ceiling—how fortuitous, he could watch Kira from every angle and make sure he didn't try any shinaniguns… shenanigans? Shenani-somethings anyway. When he took the brunette with him he totally needed to do that in their bedroom at the Kira Investigation Headquarters. You know, just for observational purposes. That would be so brutal! And actually since he caught Kira already, he could just convert the whole thing into Band Headquarters. L watched Light as he was shredding behind him. He had thrown off his long white trenchcoat and his sweat-stained dress shirt was now open revealing the expanse of his deliciously exposed chest...

L was fully capable of singing and gawking at the same time as the band of musical genii continued to play flawlessly in front of a live audience. This did not bother Light and L—Light fully enjoyed being the center of attention and L was able to ignore the crowd seeing as his attention was focused entirely on Light, and in that tried and true method of dealing with performing in public, he was imagining him naked.

Mikami and Matt felt more pressure to do well. They sweated in fear as they scrambled to keep up with Light and L, or at least fake it convincingly enough. Mello, however, was still too drunk to care and just focused on having fun in stereotypical blonde fashion.

_If you've done wrong in the past / Your next breath will be your last! /_

BECAUSE WE'LL FIND YOU! / 

L pointed dramatically as he shouted into the microphone over the house full of screaming... fans?

As the jawbreakers in L's mouth melted away to the spicy layer L reflexively sped up the tempo, the others quickly caught on and the pace of the music quickened for the bridge and rose in pitch and gave the audience the overall feeling that they were being pursued by an unknown, invisible force that might strike from anywhere and at any time. It was of course peppered with shrill notes and abuse of the classic screamer trailer diminished 7th chords crescendoing louder and louder (taking it up to eleven!).

_You can run / (But we'll find you!) /_

You can hide / (But we'll find you!) / 

You try to fight / Pitiful sight / 

Heheheheheh! Nowhere to hide, my bride… / 

The bullets rip through your side! /

The crowd went absolutely wild to the point that no one noticed or cared about the occasional fan's gory demise via falling into one of the bar's many glass-top table or being crushed by a stage light.

_(We found you!) /_

(We found you!) /

(We found you!) /

You're DONE! / 

There's nowhere left to run! / (Hear the bells?) / 

Hahahahaha! You were just another name on my list! / (Rot in hell!) /

I AM JUSTICE! 

The song ended on a wailing note cut short and the crowd exploded in applause.

"What's this band called?" Someone in the crowd shouted.

The now bandmates looked at each other in confusion. Mikami glanced at Light's guitar.

"Light-sama, how about Death Note?"

"Ryuuzaki-san?"

Mikami felt a vein in his forehead twitching as his God asked that Ryuuzaki-guy for permission. Obviously his Savior was far too noble and self-sacrificing for his own good...

"Psh! Like that would ever catch on!" said Mello. "You know what I think would be cool? Something like Fireface or The Chocolate Mafia or Electric Piss or..."

The crowd immediately began chanting "Death Note! Death Note! Death Note!"

Matt facepalmed. So that was now their name, apparently. "Be sure to spell it DethNote. There's already that manga series by Taro Kagami*, we don't want to get sued."

***

L was in high spirits as they left the club and L led his band of successors / prisoners to the preset meeting place where Watari would pick them up.

The tigers, which had laid patiently at the door waiting for Light, got up and began padding along behind the band as they walked along down the street.

"Uh... guys...?" Matt began with some concern as he noticed this phenomenon.

"Aw, don't worry. They're just our little kitty friends!" Mikami assured them.

Matt looked less then convinced.

L quickly called up Watari and instructed him to bring the van and the tranquilizer gun. Of course Yardtigers belonged in their yard at Band Headquarters.

As L dragged him along by the chain Light suddenly remembered something important...

"Hold up," Light retrieved his cell phone from his coat pocket but an instant later it had been swiped it out of his hands. "Hey!" Light yelped. The gangly detective held the confiscated phone between his fingertips and examined it under his wide-eyed stare. The phone was plain black with no extra features. Well it fit Kira's personality he supposed, or at least the image Light was trying to project—but still with Light's flair for the dramatic, L had been half-expecting it to sparkle. L cracked a smile upon seeing how his little prisoner was pouting cutely, "I have to make a call!" Light insisted in a flustered way.

"Who are you calling?" L asked suspiciously.

Light looked away, embarrassed as he admitted. "My mom..."

Mello sniggered until Mikami oh-so-casually plunged his elbows into his ribs for mocking his God.

"She'll get worried if I don't come home! And we got to practice together more to get really good. You want me to stay the night, right?" Light persuaded.

L watched in fascination as his Kira suspect blushed. The others shuffled around uncomfortably as they noted how L wrapped a possessive hand around the younger man's hips. "Correct."

"What the hell?" Light protested indignantly.

L released him and Light swiftly moved away to the maximum distance the chain allowed.

"There's no need to be shy, Light-kun."

"I'm not being shy!"

Light felt a jolt, an almost electric charge as their eyes locked. L smirked and held out Light's captive phone as a peace offering. Their fingers brushed together as L returned him his phone.

Light blushed hotter.

"Go on then, Light-kun. Make your call."

They were all staring at him intently as if he was some new, undiscovered species. The rest of the band members were all without families. Being required to "check in" was a foreign concept.

The God of the New World fidgeted, before clearing his throat and spoke into the phone. "Hey mom? I'm staying over at a friend's house tonight..."

After a series of questioning that seemed harsh even by the Detective L's standards the others were all privy to Light's mom telling him "Be safe, dear and be sure to use protection."

_"Mom!"_

Not even Mikami's glaring or the threat of his killer elbow could stop Mello and Matt's snickering.

Though Mello did stop, his ears practically perking up upon hearing another fascinating tidbit-something about someone's birthday party and, more importantly, something about chocolate cake...

"What?" Light snapped in irritation as the blonde teen tugged at his shirtsleeve. Mello shrunk about as L glared in warning as Mello touched what L had already decided was his... Mello quickly moved onto the point.

"Hey, Light? Er... Your mom sounds really cool... Maybe we could all crash at your place toni—" Mello began to invite himself over.

"That's not a good idea." Light quickly spoke over him, shuddering in horror at the very thought of Mello with his foul mouth corrupting his little sister.

Mello himself paused midsentence when L's glare intensified to absolutely terrifying levels for his suggesting a course of action that would ultimately leave L cockblocked. No doubt if they were in an anime L would be gnashing cartoony fangs as his eyes turned white and blue flames came shooting out of his head. Mello shook his head and tried to quash a bout of nausea. He really did have too much to drink.

"Some other night," Mello promised quietly under his breath.

Just then Watari arrived in the ghastly pink angel crepe van. After a quick argument (for the record, Watari tried) and a quick stop to drop the tigers off at Headquarters—which was still under construction (it had to be redone to fit the chocolate swimming pool) and warn any staff or construction workers on the premises to be very careful not to be eaten, and that being eaten by tigers was not covered by their insurance.

Watari ferried the boys back to L's hotel. (It was not an easy journey. They had to stop twice for Mello who needed to stop to puke on the curb, retching up an unholy mess of chocolate, bile, and booze—which again gave L another wicked song idea).

Watari watched in the rearview mirror as L yawned convincingly in order to stretch his arm around the sleepy looking younger man's shoulders. Well, Watari was relieved that at least his ward had gotten over Naomi Misora...

Watari dropped them off and the bandmates staggered drunkenly into L's hotel suite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*Just to clarify, it's a meta joke. Ohba and Obata's character Taro Kagami wrote "Death Note" in Death Note (the alternate continuity pilot chapter.)_


	7. DethObsessed

"Dammit, you can hear them going at it right through the wall!" Matt groaned out what they were all thinking as Mello, Matt, and Mikami sat awkwardly, drinking together in what had become their hotel room. L had opted to get him and Light a private room next door. Mello was already smashed from earlier, Matt was mortified and so drinking more than usual (after all, this was his fault. _He_ was the one who suggested they 'get a room') and even Mikami, who was usually a strict teetotaler, was left depressed enough by recent events to actually accept the beer Matt slid him across the table. 

The rhythmic pounding had begun almost as soon as L slammed the door shut. It was occasionally punctuated by the occasional grunt or scream. L and Light were so loud that they were causing the picture frames to quake in this, the adjoining room. 

"That's it!" Mello snapped as one of the pictures went crashing to the ground. The blonde bolted up out of his seat and kicked his chair over for good measure, and before the others could stop him he had stormed right on up to the adjoining door and began shouting but the blonde's bluster was easily drowned out by the noise emanating from the neighboring room. 

Mello was about to kick the door down when Light's voice carried over right through the door. 

" _Dammit!_ It's stuck!" 

"Stop struggling!" L shouted at him. "If you keep clenching up like that you'll only hurt yourself and that will be painful..."

Mello gasped and put his ear to the door. 

"No, NO! Wait! _Stop it!_ You're going to rip it apart! _Please stop! Oh God, no! It's tearing!_ " Light whimpered. 

_Oh jeez, what's he doing to that poor kid?_ Mello thought aghast. Even if that "poor kid" _was_ Kira there were just some things you don't do to your prisoners! At least that was true in his father's mafia! Sure they were thugs, thieves, drug dealers, and murderers but they had standards!

"Hey it's all right," Ryuuzaki shushed him, making soothing noises. "It's not your fault, okay? And it's easily fixed."

"Ryuuzaki!" sighed the other boy in an utterly smitten tone.

 _What?!_ Mello was completely confused. 

"Aw Light. We do make such beautiful music together." 

"W-wait. Before we do _that_... will you let me let me give you a fermata here first?"

"Hold that thought." 

Just then the door suddenly swung open and Mello fell inside L and Light's hotel room. 

"Mello, what are you doing?" L asked in the same warning tone he used when the blonde approached within five hundred feet of L's chocolate.

"W-What am I, doing?" Mello repeated in disbelief. 

"Yes, that's what I asked," said L. 

"What the f/riff/ are you guys doing in here?!" Mello sputtered and blushed but noticed that both Light and L were fully clothed and did not appear to be in the throes of passion. True, Light was bent over a desk and he did have a rather intense look on his face but he was writing something. It seemed that that pounding sound was just _really_ loud music. "Wha-You're not screwing each other yet?"

L quirked an ultra-thin eyebrow, "Just what were you hoping to see, Mello?" 

"What? But.. you were-what the f/riff/ is going-ALRIGHT! What was stuck?!" Mello demanded. 

Light affected a little (fake-sounding) laugh. "It's kind of a funny story really you see we were just working on composing some new songs for the band and well Ryuuzaki kept hitting me with that f/riff/ing baton thing and then it just somehow mysteriously got lodged in the CD tray of his laptop and got stuck."

"Somehow" L prodded, literally, with the aforementioned baton. 

"Okay, I took the f/riff/ing baton and I _threw it_ and it somehow got stuck in L's laptop. Seriously! Listen, I'm telling you the truth! I have no idea how that happened! If I _wanted_ to destroy your computer, do you really think I'd be so blatantly obvious about it? I mean, I was only trying to kill the baton! That thing is evil!" As if to prove his point; L whacked him with it again. 

_"Ow!"_

"But But you, _you were going to give him a fermata!_ " accused the blonde. 

L gave Mello a blank look. "Aren't you supposed to be a genius? If you want to stay in this band I strongly suggest you study music theory." 

Mello sheepishly shut the door. 

"Overall it's not a bad idea, though," L murmured unintelligibly around his sucker, giving a sideways glance over to where his prisoner and partner had resumed obliviously head-banging along to the ambient tunes that L had turned on while working tirelessly on putting notes to paper.

 _Yeah, we could definitely use a fermata._

Meanwhile back at the table Mikami took a delicate sip of his beer, glanced down at his watch and nearly choked. "Oh no! _It's already 11:15!_ "

Mello and Matt exchanged confused looks. 

"Uh"

"So?" 

"You don't understand! I need to get home! " Mikami insisted frantically. "I have to feed my kitty!" 

Mello and Matt exchanged horrified looks. They had thought that they had deposited all the tigers back at Band Headquarters but it seemed that they had missed one. A hungry tiger loose in the city-that wasn't good. It might kill some poor jackoffs! 

Mello dramatically threw on his leather jacket and shoved his gun down the front of his pants gansta-style. 

"Right. Let's go." 

They must have made quite a sight as they power walked down the sidewalk--Mikami leading them to his apartment in his flowing black trench coat, the guitar his God had given to him strapped to his back. Mello flanked him on his left, wearing that shiny black leather and he had similarly taken to carrying his new black bass around. On his right Matt was just being Matt. (He's just awesome like that). The too red redhead somehow managed to walk in step with them despite the fact that his eyes were glued to the screen of a pocket game system--he mashed buttons as they walked along, an unlit cigarette dangled between his lips. Mikami noted that he too was carrying the gift that God had granted him--the black drumsticks surreptitiously sticking out of his back jeans pocket. But Mikami consoled himself that Light-sama didn't give that Ryuuzaki-guy anything and that _his gift_ was still the coolest! Unseen by the others Ryuk floated along behind them, being oddly silent for once as he just ominously watched the trio trek across town. 

As they arrived at Mikami's place, apartment 1012, Mello and Matt braced themselves to take down a dangerous predator and Mello even reached for the gun in his pants 

Mikami opened the door and called "Winston!" though he said it with a heavy Japanese accent: _"Uinston!"_

There was a slight jingling of a bell and collar. _"Murrr?"_ questioned the fluff ball as it leapt up into the tall man's arms. 

Mello and Matt sagged in a mix of relief and disappointment. " _That's_ your kitty?!" Mello demanded rather rudely. After all, they had been expecting a tiger. Mikami's kitty was just a grey striped tomcat. 

"Hey! He's a real cool cat!" Mikami snapped defensively as Winston rubbed his head against him affectionately. 

Mello continued to gape at the cutesy scene before him. Well, naturally Kira's right hand man would have a fluffy kitty companion! If _James Bond_ taught him anything it was that bad guys were cat people. 

"Winston?!" Matt questioned. 

"I named him after Winston Churchill-one of the coolest guys ever! _Only God_ is cooler than him!" 

Mello and Matt exchanged looks of surprise and approval. 

"Badass!" 

Winston Churchill-English orphan approved. 

Mello and Matt furtively glanced around Mikami's rather Spartan abode. The simple futon on the ground, the neatly organized desk, and the bookshelves filled with tomes on law and legal precedent-all the books were in the proper alpha-numeric order and aligned perfectly on the shelf. Everything in the small apartment was neat and orderly and there was not a speck of dust in sight. 

"You know, I think he has a problem," muttered Matt, still not looking up from his handheld. 

"Obsessive compulsive," Mello agreed as he unwrapped and took another dramatic bite out of a chocolate bar. 

"Huh? No I'm not! I'm just very methodical!" Mikami defended himself as he continued to pet the cat. 

Mello laughed. "I bet you schedule your life down to the minute!"

"No, not to the minute! Well for instance, at my internship at the law office I usually get out around 4:47 so I usually loiter around for thirteen minutes and drink coffee!" Mikami informed them proudly-obviously thinking that this made him look cool and laid back. 

"Er why?" asked Matt. 

" _4:47!_ It's so... _UNEVEN!_ " Mikami shuddered. "Why not 5? Or even 4:50?"

Mello and Matt exchanged looks again. 

"Well, crisis averted," Matt deadpanned as Mikami got out the cat food to feed his cat "I guess we should go back"

"Do you really want to go back there and see _them_ being all gay with each other? He was about to give him a fermata!" 

"What's a fermata?" asked Mikami as he rummaged around in the kitchen. 

"I don't know" Mello admitted, but the word sounded Italian and it started with the letter f. "I don't want to know."

Mello and Matt gawked as Mikami began carefully measuring the the amount of kibble to put in Winston's bowl. 

"Might I ask you a personal question?" Mikami concentrated on his task as the blonde began talking as he approached behind him. "Who rammed that stick so far up your ass?" 

Mikami blinked in confusion. It must have been some English idiom that didn't translate well. Seeing that they were foreigners he chose not to take offense. 

"I'm sorry, I don't understand..."

"You measure the cat food?!" 

"Of course! He's an indoor cat-living indoors protects him from the dangers of the neighborhood but that also puts him at risk for obesity so I must carefully regulate his intake." 

Matt shook his head. "Poor cat." 

"Poor cat?! I saved him! His last owner neglected him! When I adopted him he weighed twenty seven pounds! The poor lil' guy would've died of a heart attack!" Truly Winston was lucky to have found a human as meticulous as Mikami (Winston might beg the occasional table scrap of fish out of him but nothing else!) 

As Winston happily munched on his supper Mello and Matt made themselves at home and Mikami focused on being a good host. He offered them something to eat and got out the sake he only kept around in the unlikely event he would have guests over. They both accepted the alcohol and Matt accepted four rolls of sushi but Mello declined to eat anything, citing he had to watch his figure but the real reason was that Mikami's fridge had nothing remotely chocolaty in it. 

Mikami flushed, unused to the drinks, he relaxed, leaning back in his seat and unbuttoned the top buttons of his maroon dress shirt, revealing a rakish view of his chest. That's when Matt noticed the guy was _ripped._ He couldn't stop staring-that is until Mello reminded him that that was totally gay and wacked him in the back of the head. (The blonde claimed it was payback for earlier but the way his blue eyes blazed-he almost looked jealous?!) 

"Are you like some kind of health nut?" Matt asked Mikami, the alcohol loosening his tongue. Matt immediately felt stupid for asking and braced himself for yet another health lecture from a new source-he'd already heard that 'smoking is bad for you' a few times in his short life, thank you very much, to which he always replied that the day he quit smoking would be the day L stopped gobbling sweets. 

"Well I suppose some might see it that way," Mikami said as he awkwardly adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose. 

"Heh, I bet you go to the gym every day!" Mello teased as he tipped back another cup of sake. 

"No just every Thursday and Sunday-9 to 10:30," Mikami answered robotically. Meanwhile Winston finished eating and padded on over to leap into his lap. Mikami stroked his fur just as mechanically. 

Mello and Matt were exchanging looks again-they did that so often that Mikami was beginning to think that the two of them might just be _sefure_ (nothing wrong with that as long as they didn't hit on his God like that Ryuuzaki creep!) 

"Really, what's wrong with wanting to stay fit and healthy?" Mikami entreated to the chain smoker and the guy who's diet consisted of nothing but chocolate. Seeing that that was totally a lost cause and he might as well have been speaking to them in Kilingon he moved on. "But that's not why I work out," Mikami admitted. "I work out to get stronger! So I don't have to take shit from no one and I can kick the crap out of bullies and evil people who would hurt me and my pals!"

Matt actually looked up from his game. "Duuuude! That's so hardcore!" declared the red-head. 

Mikami winced as Mello awkwardly threw his arm over the other man's shoulders. "You know at first I thought you were a total prick but you're actually an okay dude!" 

"Pals?"

Mikami looked like he was holding back manly tears of joy. "That that means a lot to me. Winston and Kiyomi are my only pals..." 

Unused to this strange maudlin mood brought on by the drink, Teru idly picked up the framed photo that sat on the light stand next to his chair--a photo of him and Kiyomi Takada on the school debate team.

"That's" Mello was about to say 'pathetic' when he realized he couldn't exactly talk seeing as Matt was his only friend. "Yeah, we're pals!" 

"Er but what about Light?" Matt asked when he noticed a conspicuous absence on Mikami's short list of 'pals'. 

"No, no, no! Light-sama isn't my pal! Light is _my God!_ " 

Mello and Matt exchanged looks yet again. 

Mikami rolled his eyes. _Go on, kiss already. I don't mind. Pretend I'm not even here._

"Er That's not exactly healthy, you know," Matt replied in regard to Mikami's delusions. 

Mello gaped at the other man who had otherwise seemed, for the most part, like a rational human being. (A bit quirky sure, but he and Matt were from Wammy's House where _everyone_ was a bit quirky.) 

"Teru, no offense but... you know I'm not a religious scholar or anything but just speaking as a guy who was forced at gunpoint to go to Sunday School for six years-I highly doubt God is a Japanese school boy." 

Mikami made a dismissive gesture. "That is only because you have not yet seen! He has Chosen me to be his Hand, his tool--I will do whatever he requires of me to atone for this rotten world." 

_He thinks he's Jesus?! Are you f/riff/ing kidding me?_

"Oh God!" Mello moaned melodramatically.

"Exactly! I'm so glad you understand!" Mikami crowed enthusiastically, light shining from his eyes, and an absolutely _demented_ grin spreading across his face. "You know Mello, I thought you were mean and maybe even evil but you're actually a pretty cool guy!"

Since Mello found he couldn't argue with crazy he just awkwardly glanced away and nearly choked on his bite of chocolate when he finally got a look of the photo Mikami was _fondling._

 _"F/riff/ing Cadbury bunny!"_ Exclaimed the blonde, "That's the bitch who stole my wallet!"


End file.
